Thursday, March 28, 2013

My Secrets

Last month, I had a few coworkers that haven't seen me in a while ask me, "Hey, you look different! What's your secret?" to which I respond, "Oh. I decided to wax my mustache." they go, "No, I meant you look thinner. What have you been doing?" Me: "Oh, yeah....that. Ummm...nothing really. You just haven't seen me in a while. That's all." ....but no. It's NOT true! You know how you've always had a sinking feeling that people who are thinner KNOW something that you don't and that's why you're not losing weight? You're right! But because we're besties now (we are, right? RIGHT?!?) I'm going to tell you my biggest secrets that stays between us (and probably your best friend)...

Secret Numero Uno: I don't tell anyone I'm eating better/healthier/on a diet/not eating crap, whathaveyou. Seriously, probs the best secret you got right now. When you tell people you're on a diet, it's like telling your bum friends you're going to college..."Oh! You think your F**kin' betta than me? HA! How long is this little wish going to last?! Two weeks like it did last time? Please, sucka, I'll be right here when you fail." Psh, I ain't got the time fa dat. People just LOVE to hate. Sometimes, they don't even know they're doing it. You know how I know? Because I used to do it! I hated when someone had willpower that I didn't have and wanted to always had that friend to eat cupcakes with or drown sorrows in pizza and beer. Plus, you get the added benefit of people NOT asking you "how's that diet going?" WTF is that about? "Um, it's going good, I guess. Is your husband still an alcoholic? How's that going for you?!" See how that just went straight to the tenth degree? Errbody just needs to mine their own business...but it starts with you keeping mum about yours!

Secret #2: Start eating healthy when you know it's going to be hard. I started eating healthy right before Thanksgiving...on a Friday. I know. Blasphemy! But no, hear me out. I figured if I could stick to my habits through the holidays, I'm GOLDEN! because I'll start to get a little burnt out by the time New Years rolls around and what happens at this magical time of the year?! IT's friggin motivation station all over the place! People are scarfing salads, the chocolate is all gone, everyone is running everywhere, and I'd already be 2 months ahead of the game. The reason why started Friday is to make sure I could survive the weekend full of birthday parties, dinner parties, eat-til-you-hate-yourself parties...all those shenanigans.

Secret #3: I lie. I lie about everything. I lie about 10 times a day <--no, that's a lie. A lie within a lie. lie-ception. I'm going to tell you something that your mom never did...Lying is going to help you more than it hurts you. It's true.... Ask my padded bra. Here's how: I tell people I don't like something that I'm actually bat-$h*t crazy about. I used to work in an office that had potlucks and birthdays like twice a week. Every flippin week, it was the same thing, Red Velvet cake or Chocolate Cake (same crap different color, right?). Well, I was sick of it and even when I would ask them NOT to serve me, they would pester me and put a big hunk of it in a plate for me. I knew I had to lie. "Oh, NO THANK YOU! Last week I ate A WHOLE Red Velvet cake and ended up puking it up. Red velvet everywhere, even in my hair. I don't even want to LOOK at it! I HATE RED Velvet cake!" A simple lie is best. Be  simple and realistic. Even then, it's NOT enough for some people, they want to know WHY you hate it as if regurgitating something wasn't enough to stop the obsession. I hate to think about it "Well, it's dry too. Most of the time it's not even moist OR flavorful. Chocolate is supposed to melt in my mouth, not crumble. It sits at the bottom of my stomach." I've said that so much, that I actually believe it! I really don't like Red Velvet cake...'cept For my dear friend Ashleigh...she has a mom who makes a red velvet cake so effing good, I heard Paula Deen tried to put a ring on it. Bottomline, I never get asked or even offered a slice of cake...chances of temptation? way low. 

So, I hope that helps out to some degree. I'm hoping you didn't think it was some kind of workout thing. It's all about eating. I'll talk about fitness when it's important. 


  1. I just about died during the cake secret! Paula Dean! Haha!

    1. Dude, that cake is NO JOKE! I can still taste it. It's worth a trip to Montana!